Creating a Rich and Meaningful Love and Sex Life

Niyati Evers and Robert KingRelationships and SexualityLeave a Comment

River with many colors

Keeping Long-Term Relationships Thriving: Having Our Cake and Eating It Too

We don’t have to fall in love with a new person over and over again to experience that sense of expansion and adventure we may feel when we get to know a new person and explore a new body for the first time.

Based on our personal and professional explorations, we have seen that it is possible to have meaningful relationships, to engage deeply and to commit to another person(s) over a longer period of time while simultaneously experiencing excitement, adventure, renewed intimacy and even ecstasy.

Keeping Long-Term Relationships Thriving

Experimentation and going outside of the box can for sure bring about a sense of excitement and meaning. However, experiencing passion in long-term relationships won’t come about exclusively as the result of becoming a better sexual technician.

Exploring unknownCreating meaning and excitement in long term relationships is about going towards the unknown. There is no ‘one size fits all’ for going towards the unknown. There are no pre-programmed solutions.

Exploring the unknown and finding new meaning and excitement is about discovering what lies at the threshold of the familiar and unfamiliar for you and your partner(s).

Let’s explore the value of going towards the unknown by going back to the beginning, to our first explorations of sexuality.

The Starting Point: Lessons From That First Time

Laurent was his name. The first boy I ever kissed. Dark blonde curly hair, green eyes, tiny whiteheads on his chin and cheeks amidst the beginnings of something that looked like facial hair. We were fourteen years old, sitting side by side on a secluded bench surrounded by lush bushes and the sweet smell of summer.

It was July, Southern France, and our bodies were hot with sun and sweat and some new unknown sensation I had no name for. Laurent made the first move: no words, no introductions, no questions. Just his mouth on mine, his lips prying open my lips, his tongue inside my mouth. I’d be lying if I say I enjoyed it. That first time was more like a kind of uncomfortable, highly unusual mindfulness meditation.

His tongue is going deeper into my mouth. It is near my left molars. It’s moving to the right now, closer to the inside of my cheeks. Up, down, left, right, deep, shallow, curling and twirling inside of my mouth.

It never occurred to me I could move my tongue too and respond to his movements. I just sat there. Frozen. Taking note of the strange sensations of this warm piece of flesh moving around the insides of my mouth.

The truth is, I had been practicing kissing for quite a while by the time I met Laurent. Every night before going to sleep, I’d take my black and white koala bear, place it next to me on my pillow and press my tongue against its little black plastic nose. In and out, in and out.

But the thing is, as sweet and soft and fluffy as my koala bear was, he never responded in kind. And so, in spite of my nightly kissing practice ritual, I did not yet know that kissing meant you both move your tongues at the same time.

The point is this: yes, the first time you do something, whatever it is, you’re going to feel clumsy, weird, uncomfortable, exposed and somewhat anxious. You’re going to feel like a beginner. In the case of my 14-year old self, when it came to kissing, I truly was a beginner.

But here’s the interesting thing. Even though I didn’t like that first kiss and vowed at the time that I’d “never do that again,” of course I ended up kissing again. And again. And again.

Because as much as that first experience wasn’t exactly a success, I felt exhilarated.

I had done it. I had kissed a boy! Real kissing. With our mouths open and someone else’s tongue inside my mouth! It was an initiation into a whole new world of experiences, and as terrified as I was of doing it again, the excitement and thrill of this new and unknown world won me over and got me over my initial shyness.

Overcoming thresholdBecoming a Beginner Again

One of the challenges of long-term relationships is that we tend to settle for a comfort zone. There’s nothing wrong with being in a comfort zone. It can be a wonderful experience to have that level of comfort and familiarity with another person.

At the same time, if we no longer look for the places where we are a beginner, if we stop exploring the unknown and the unfamiliar, at some point, we may experience a sense of boredom, frustration or lack of excitement. And the first place where we will experience this sense of “something missing” is often in the bedroom.

A Never-Ending Journey

The key is this: if we want to experience excitement and meaningful engagement in long term relationships, we need to learn to be open to anxiety instead of seeing anxiety as a problem we need to conquer, eliminate or avoid.

If you’ve ever had (consensual) sex in your life, if you’ve ever kissed someone, if you’ve ever told someone for the first time that you loved him or her or them, then you’ve crossed the threshold already.

You have gone towards something that wasn’t comfortable or familiar, and that means that it involved some degree of anxiety.Never Ending Journey

And here’s the thing, whatever new sexual technique or position you explore, at some point, it’s eventually going to become known and familiar. That is why exploring the unfamiliar is an ongoing, mysterious and never-ending journey.

Discovering New Meaning and Excitement

Exploring the unknown and finding new meaning and excitement may be about trying out a new sexual position or technique. Or it may be about experimenting with role-play. Or having sex in a new environment. Or holding hands and whispering sweet nothings.

But it may also be about how you show up. What you reveal or don’t reveal about yourself. How close you get to another person. How you make eye contact. How you allow yourself to see or be seen. How (if at all) you express your desires. How you resolve conflicts. How open your heart can be.

Having Your Cake And Eating It Too

Here’s how to have your cake and eat it too: explore the threshold of the unknown. Find the places that make you uncomfortable, anxious, aroused and alive all at the same time. That’s where you’ll find the key to being able to experience a rich, meaningful and exciting love life and sex life.

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